Redux

     I went out on my first 'date' in about 15 years.  We did a breakfast meet. It wasn't horrific, but the lady I went with is already pretty much not talking.  I am okay with that; it's back to one less thing I need to worry about.  But it did bring me to this realization.  She's already posted that she's gone other places to bars and danced and sang, and whatnot - and I have absolutely no desire to do those things.  None.  The thought of going out partying, or even just going out to have 'a drink' and be around the partying masses holds no attraction for me.  That means dating is pointless, and I am unsure what made me break that seal anyway. As an update, at least she messaged me and said we're not a match.  I assumed so anyway - I should have said so first perhaps, but it's not a race.

     I feel a little boxed in.  I suspect if I truly expressed how I feel out loud somewhere I'd be on a 24 hour hold somewhere, and that's not what I am trying to express.  I have no desire to hurt anyone, I just really don't want to BE anymore.  It's way too much work for way too little reward.  I like my workouts, learning my languages using Pimsleur and whatever else I can to further that endeavor, but beyond that, I sleep like shit, I wake like shit, I live like shit.  If I were drinking, it would numb it.  But that's too costly as well.

     I've got it good.  I now pretty much have zero interest in anything.  It's not even zero interest in the things I used to enjoy.  I'd still go take photos if I felt like there was something to photograph.  I don't have the resources to go ice fishing, so I have to wait until summer comes around.  I do worry a little bit, in that as I look forward, even that seems like it will be a chore now.  I am the worlds most boring curmudgeon.  Any spark of creativity I used to have has been burnt up; and I don't even remember me.  I'm half way through the school year and wondering if I will come out on the other side.  These must be the dark days of winter.  What are ya' gonna do?